It’s Not About the Why: Take Your Power and Give Yourself Closure



Ladies, how many times have you and your girlfriends endlessly tried to figure out why your relationship ended. Whether it was a 2-week romance or 6 months. One year, ok, I give you some deconstruction period. But for the rest of you, if the guy made it pretty clear, please don’t try to figure out the Why.

You’re going to say:
Ok, I get it. I see that I should move on. I get it. But…it was just sooooo great. The chemistry, we were so in sync, the sex. I mean it was Everything that I’ve ever wanted and didn’t believe could happen. I’ve never met anyone like him before!!! I CANNOT lose him. I just can’t. I’m at a total loss. Why??? What happened. I don’t get it. I need to know what changed.

The buzz words these days is: It’s all about the Why? It’s been circulating our FB news feeds, all the big motivation and professional development peeps are asking you, what’s your Why.
So this is very, very important bit of information. The question NOT to dwell on and obsess about when a relationship ended, is WHY. Don’t do it. Don’t go there.
You ask:
But why not ask why? Don’t I have the right to know? Do I not deserve to know why?

We long for the why because it is innate to us to want closure. And knowing the why gives us closure.

Here’s my wake up call for you:

You need to learn to give yourself the closure without knowing why.

Why not ask for the Why?

1. If you have to know the why to give yourself peace of mind and closure, you are giving away your power. Only he can give you the why. If he doesn’t want to give you the why and you can’t accept that, then you are basically handing over your own power to him on a plate, here you go, please your welcome to all my power, eat it all up. Since I need to know why for my own empowerment and you are not giving me the why, I might as well make it even easier for you and just hand deliver my power to you. Enjoy!!!

2. Maybe it’s best you don’t know the why. Do we ladies not have enough to deal with in this patriarchy? We are supposed to be feminine to please men and ourselves by being in our essential nature and at the same time masculine because we’re supposed to pay half, support ourselves, buy a house, travel, pay for our waxing, pedicures, facials to look pleasing for men. Is that not enough to deal with without finding out what unreasonable expectation or idea he may have had about a romantic partner or relationship? What good will it really do for you to know why?

Well maybe I made some kind of mistake, maybe I was too clingy, pushy, maybe I was trying to move too fast, maybe I wasn’t thin enough, or wasn’t a good cook, or or or or.

This is a losing game. I’m all about self-awareness. I see women losing themselves, setting up too high expectations, being pushy, moving too fast ALL the time. But the fact is, if you dig deep down inside. You’ll know if you did that. You probably don’t need him to tell you.

And it’s probably healthiest and most empowering for you to come to that realization yourself, not from the guy who dumped you.

I’ll let you in on another secret. If the guy is into you, he’s into you. He’ll tolerate the eagerness. He’ll tolerate the moving too fast. In fact there will be nothing for him to ‘tolerate’ because he’s in there with you through it all.

Finally, if this is your pattern and you are repeatedly pushing guys away, then let’s chat about it.

It’s a waste of life.

Life is precious, it’s up and down, discouraging and delightful. Depending on how deep you were in this thing, you will need time to heal this loss. I tell you to accept, let go and move on, but in that process be soft on yourself. Allow yourself to mourn the loss of what was and what you hoped for. But remember that what you hoped for did not yet exist, it was in your imagination. And if you want to mourn that fantasy, please do. But not for too long where you’re wasting your life in the now and not allowing the next love to come in.
If you’re waiting to find out the ‘why’ and talking about it endlessly with your friends, you’ve go to: Stop, Hold up, Back up. Don’t waste any more life. Keep your power, don’t give it away. Keeping power means living life, cherishing life and not wasting it. Spending anymore time on trying to find out ‘why’ is giving your life away.

Ill tell you a story. Once upon a time in the Lower East Side of New York City, at a late night semi-private party in a cavernous basement bar, I met a guy who really truly ticked off all my boxes. It was too good to be true so I evaded. I played a little hard to get. I mean who is this guy? He’s too perfect, I don’t want to fall at his feet. So he chased. I mean not for so long as he was so hard for me to resist. His words were music to my ears, he was open, expressive, super successful, passionate about his job and was damn good at it, generous, chivalrous, loved to dance, open and friendly with my friends, a complete charm. On our third date, I made it clear, as I do, that if we were doing ‘this’, it was to be exclusive and only ‘us’. He laughed at me, “oh my god, is this what the city has done to you? You poor girl. You think that I could be hanging with you like this and like you as much as I do and at the same time be dating or be interested in other women! I feel so bad for what experiences you’ve had that has led to this conversation.”

Guess what happened? After 4 weeks of an intense romance, talking about the future, he disappeared. Poof! On a Friday night he called me with a bit of a desperate voice. I’m having a hard time, I don’t know what to do. I’m torn about where to do my residency…maybe I have to go back to Germany.” He left Monday morning with my favorite purple scarf and no word at all. I think I sent an angry email, he may have sent a short reply and that was the end of it.
Two months later, a guy is checking out my apartment to sublet. I remember Mr. Dreamboat mentioning him as a childhood friend. I told the childhood friend I met Mr. Dreamboat. He was surprised, “how do you know him”, he asked, “actually I was just at his wedding’. My girlfriend who was making us tea and keeping her cool while I sat, stunned and speechless, asked, ‘oh, who did he marry?” “His sweetheart of 6 years”, he said.

What Are the Lessons of this Story?

1. Mr. Dreamboat, great on paper, great in real life, isn’t always ALL THAT. This experience had especially turned me upside down because he had all the qualities I had always dreamed of. It was too good to be true and it was too good to be true.

2. Yes, he was a dud, but meeting someone like that gives hope that there are others like him – because there are! And maybe they’re so good they are true.

3. I was wounded inside, but I didn’t dwell because I didn’t want lose my present for what he did in my past. I had to recover. I had to move on. I grieved. I went on vacation with my best friend. In fact it was so tumultuous, the whole thing, that I evaluated my entire life. What was I doing? What do I really want to do? What was my true calling? Can I find work that is as fulfilling as what Mr. Dreamboat did? The whole experience made me step back and really take stock of my life and prompted some huge life shifting decisions that led me to the life I have now (that means living in tropical paradise with a gorgeous daughter and never having to wear pants, jackets, socks or sweaters, which makes me very happy).

4. If I had dwelled and tried to decode the disappearance, the why, what good would it have done for me? I gave myself closure. I closed the door. I didn’t need to know why. And months later, I found out the why. And the why sucked. I was duped, deceived. Would knowing that why have made the healing any easier? Probably not. Especially for someone who always prided herself on her astute perception, the ability to spot a player, a liar. Nope, wouldn’t have done me any good.

So ladies, will you believe me? If he dumps you, please don’t ask Why. And if you’re going to go down that road, before you pick up the phone to text him, call me.

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